Easter-break! And what do I do? Have done a few errands, but mostly I'm in a bad mood. The fact that I'm having trouble sleeping (can't fall asleep, wake up serveral times/night, wake up early before the alarm goes off and the sleep I do get is filled with upsetting dreams) isn't really helping either. Had a conversation the other day that quite upset med and I think that has a lot to do with my problems. Also there is the previous feeling of discontent, that is still lingering.

Tuesday afternoon and I've poured myself a drink. It's starting to kick in already. Hoping that the alcohol together with the killer playlist I've got playing on my Winamp will brighten my mood. The weather sure isn't doing me any favours - rain, rain, rain. Do I sound like an alcoholic, by the way? I'm just a slightly depressed student, don't worry.

Worked a little this weekend. Unfortunately it seems there won't be any hall tests for me this week, so the next paycheck will be tiny. Hopefully enough to keep me alive, though.

Think that's all I can/want/will write for now.
Sorry about the not so inspired post, but I just got an urge to write a little.

I suppose I should be updating this page regularly. I should. Because just in case anyone peeks in once in a while (Charly perhaps?), there should be something for them to read. Some news. Because things have been happening in my life. Are happening. Will be happening too, hopefully.

To start off, New Year's turned out nothing like I would have thought. Then again, do things ever? But this particular night was so far away from what I could have imagined, that I don't even know where to start. I'm not even sure that I should. To give you some idea, I ended up getting separated from my friends and in a hotelroom, while the others where dancing all night at a club. Then, the next morning I spent taking care of L, who was feeling quite poorly and trying to figure out what had happened and how. Anyway, I got a new friend out of it. One who lives in England, mind you, so I might not get the chance to see him again, but we did have a few interesting (sometimes frighteningly funny and strange) conversations the first few days of the new year.

M never came to stay. He had found a girl on New Year's, so he only had time to come visit for a few hours the day before he left for Mexico (they went there first, before travelling south). I was glad, though, as he seemed very happy. However, now he's found out that maybe she wasn't so wonderful and maybe this other girl, that he met somewhere in Peru or something, is more right for him. Let me clarify, she's not from Peru (or wherever it was), she's French. Why on earth that's so important to point out, I don't know. He falls in love much too easily, as I have told him. He doesn't listen, of course. And why should he? Am I some sort of authority on relationships? Hardly.

I've moved to Lund, after much deliberation. I got a job in Copenhagen and was thinking about maybe moving there, but luckily I didn't. First of all, the rent there is much higher and second, I haven't been working much in Copenhagen anyway. Have mostly been in Stockholm doing hall tests. So I worked for a couple of months and have now started on a C-course in Ecology, just 5 days ago. The thing is that I actually miss working. But I guess that's good too, since I hope to be doing just that this summer. As much as possible, so I can get rich!!! Or, alternatively, so I can survive the fall without taking more student loans.

But I think part of my longing to go back to work stems from an unhappiness that is growing inside. Blaming it on hormones for now, combined with my financial situation. Have had to go to the doctor a few times and then there's the medicine and finally a small operation that I need/want, that will set me back a little over 3000 SEK (about 300 Euro).

The operation might actually reduce the gap between my teeth, which I'm not sure what I think about yet. But I guess it's okay. As L said, "It's charming, but you will still be you, with or without the gap." And sometimes I think that it would be nice to have a bit more of a "mainstream" smile. And either way, it probably won't disappear completely, just might become a tiny bit smaller.

Have been feeling a bit out of it lately. Feeling lonely and doubting whether I actually have any real, good relationships or if it's all just a game and nobody's really there for me. And maybe noone cares, not really. And maybe everything I thought I knew was just an illusion. But then I tell myself that it's just hormones or stress or boredom playing tricks on my poor little mind and that I should take a deep breath and move on before I drive myself completely mad.

Ah, yes, boredom. After having been away on jobs for two months with only a few days off, I found myself bored out of my mind after having had a week off before the Ecology started. Should perhaps add that before that I had only worked a few days since a two week brake induced by illness. L thinks I'm absolutely mad because I hate the idea of letting a thing like high feever, nausea and dizzyness keep me from going to Stockholm for a week to work. I was persuaded, though, as I realised that I had trouble standing up straight and that might lead to some complications when you're trying to get people to talk to you on the street.

Anyway, now we've started a couple of projects for the course and hopefully that will give me enough of a feeling of something to do. A bit of responsibility and perhaps even a challenge. How I long for a challenge.

And now I've just spent about two hours putting this post together. Guess I've slowed down my writing. I need to practice more. But anyway, a short update has been delivered. Enjoy!

Changed commenting-host, since the old one stopped working. Hoping that this one will keep for longer. Might write more later but right now I'm trying to work this template out.

New Year's Eve is almost completely planned. Strange, it may seem, not to have everything ready the night before, but that's the way it is when you're doing something with L&I. Either way I'm sure it will be a nice evening. Cooking together and sharing a nice three-course meal and then party all night long!

And on Saturday Mike's coming down too, before his "big" South America trip. It'll be fun to meet him again and get to spend some more time together. Maybe talk some more. Plus, this time most of the people here are with their families so there will be even more time to be just the two of us. One small worry that I have, though, is that things will get weird with "the boys" or that I'll miss spending time with them because Mike's here and I need to be with him. Luxury-problems I guess - too many friends. Heh....

Speaking of which, I unfortunately had to turn down another invitation for a New Year's party. One in Lund, that some of my old "high school" friends are having. A pitty that I'll miss it, because I rarely get to meet them, but at the same time I wouldn't want to miss "our" party.

Still a bad blogger. Not keeping my page updated. Hopefully I'll do better. Realised last night that this might be the best way for me to practice my writing. At least for now. And if I want to become a journalist, scientific or not, I need to get cooking!

So, what's happened since October?
First of all, "L" came home. He's been looking for a job in Copenhagen, but no luck so far. Hoping for something to come up after New Year's. He is, of course, aiming for the Gucci-store or some other high-profile employer. I wish him all the best. I do want him to get a job there. And hopefully an apartment, so I can come live there if I need to. I have been applying for jobs in the city, you see. So, if I get one of them, I'll have to find a place to live as well. I was thinking, if he got a place then maybe I could stay there for a while until I found my own. Shameless! I've also been talking to "I", his roommate here in Sweden, about how maybe the three of us should try and find an apartment to share. After all, I have already been "adopted" by them as their mother/pet and bigger flats are usually easier to find than the ones small (and cheap) enough for one person. We'll see how it works out.

What else.......Mike visited a couple of weeks ago. It was actually great to see him again and we could hang out and talk, pretty much like in the "good, old days". I also got to tell him a couple of things that I've been wanting to say and he, in turn, told me something about how he "works" and explained a bit further why things could get as horrible as they did. And he appologised! He was truly sorry for the pain he had caused me and admitted to having been wrong. He stayed for about a week.

The ball got canceled. Unfortunately not enough people bought tickets, so after all the work we put into it we still had to give up. But at least I've now got a wonderful dress and "F" more or less promised to take me to one of the spring-balls.

I need to get photoshop and I need to update my homepage. Actually, I need to get photoshop so I can update my homepage. Haven't really thought of what I want to do with it - whether I should keep some of the old pages and layout, or if I should redo the whole thing and, in that case, what on earth I should put on there instead!

My oh my! Somebody's actually reading my posts?! Thanks for the "shoutout" Charly. Was good to hear from you.

Back from ten days of excursions on the Swedish west coast. Had a good time and enjoyed the "simpleness" of life there. No tv - what a releif! But it's nice to be back home again. Will be nice to take a shower in my own bathroom and sleep in my own bed. Cook in my own kitchen and eat at my own table, without nine other people fussing about around me.

Called "L" on his birthday from my cellphone. Was good to hear his voice. Needed to get updated on each others lives and still have some updating to do. He's coming home in five weeks now! Was going to book the tickets today. Excited and at the same time a little afraid that I'll expect too much and then be disappointed. Anyway, we'll have a great party when he gets home.

Maria thinks I should definitely move to Copenhagen. We'll see....it's tempting, that's for sure. Started on my online-CV tonight. Will complete tomorrow with a presentation and then hopefully some employers will find it interesting enough to contact me. Once the next course starts I'll know a little more about where I want to go and then I'll start actively applying for jobs.

But right now I'm tired. So tired.

Phew!
6 months! I haven't written anything here for 6 months! I am such a bad blogger.
Well, I guess I should really "redo" my blog. Get rid of old posts and start on a fresh. Maybe even change the template? Although, I'm pretty happy with the way it looks and works right now. Plus I don't have the time to do it exactly like I'd want it. So I guess I'll leave it for now.

Busy, busy, busy - exams and dinner-planning, exkursions to go on and don't forget the ball! In the middle of all this I'm trying to get in shape. Working out and watching what I eat. Maybe too closely?

"L" is still in Manchester. Visited him in August for a few days. Had been working all summer so this was just the perfect way to relax. Didn't shop or go out and get insanely drunk, though, as we had planned. He did take me through all the stores but I just wasn't in a very good shopping-mood, so I bought nothing. Felt like a "bad guest", but I think he understood and doubt that he'd hold it against me. Also got to see a bit of Wales.

The war is over, of course, and so is the one in Iraq. Things could be better as he is now in Norway so we don't see each other. "Speak" once in a while over ICQ, but never have a chance to get "down to business" and try and straighten things out. But at least we're nice to each other - he's being very nice actually. I suspect he might be missing us down here. And hopefully he'll come visit before they leave for South America in the beginning of next year.

Myself - I don't know what I'll be doing after this semester ends in January. I'm going to move out of my apartment anyway, but other than that - I'm really not sure. Might continue my studies in Lund, although that's not the most probable outcome. Thinking of moving to UK, Denmark or Norway (Oslo in that case) or maybe somewhere else, to work for a year or so. Just to get a feel of "real life". Try to make it on my own while getting a bit of "foreign culture". Know that "L", who is coming home probably by the end of November this year (he wrote the other day), is thinking quite seriously about Copenhagen. But while I'd love to try living there, and the thought of having someone I know there does appeal to me, I don't want to "follow" him. Was bad enough when I told people I was thinking about Great Britain, while he was still living there - now I'm actually thinking about the same city. Or maybe I'll just end up continuing studying because I can't make up my mind about where to go.

I'm lost.

And suddenly another week went by. Wonder if I can remember what "important events" have occurred the last seven days.

Well, first of all, "seven days" made me think of "The Ring", which I went to see last night. On my own - aren't I brave?! Wanted to get scared so I decided to watch it at the movie theatre instead of with friends, at home. While I thought it was quite good and at times very creepy I didn't exactly get that "extreme" reaction I had hoped for. Miss the adrenaline pumping from watching a scary movie as a child, but I suppose those days are over and that I now have to find greater challenges to reach such "highs".

Watched "Donnie Darco" and went to see "The Great Dictator" on Wednesday. The former was really good - and confusing - but probably not the kind of movie you can watch more than once or maybe twice. The Chaplin-film from 1940 was as expected excellent. Thought-provoking in it's humorous parodies of political leaders and, of course war.

Speaking of which, I am, since Wednesday last week, "at war" with a certain person. Meaning things have got worse and we basically no longer talk or even associate with one another unless it's absolutely necessary. Thought things were getting better but after an incident on that Wednesday night it all blew up and became more infected than ever. The last couple of days have been slightly better, I think. Or maybe that's just because we haven't seen very much of each other. I'm hoping, though, that this will blow over. Preferably before he leaves for South America, or there's no telling whether we'll ever get back to being friends. I just have so much anger and so many things I would like to confront him about, that I don't really feel are "allowed" any more.

As for the war in Iraq, it's still going on. Don't know how much of the news-reports one should believe. Suspicions about Saddam Hussein not being alive any more are getting stronger and according to the US they have entered Baghdad. I think I need to watch the news more closely, I really don't know what's going on. Wonder if anyone does.

Watched "Hero" last night. So beautiful I wanted to cry. All the colours, the fabrics, the scenery. The scene with the leaves is just amazing, as is the one where she (don't know her name in English) is kneeling by her loved one's side, crying out because he is dead. The white clothes, the mountains in the background, the sky. Just perfect. Not to mention the first fight scene between the "hero" and the first assassin. The dripping water, the old man and his music. Oh, and the fight over the lake. The swords cutting through the surface and then lifting again. Some critic promised a "visual orgasm", don't know if it quite got there, but man was it good.

Just came back from "Frida". Cried. I don't cry at movies. This one moved me, though. Probably because certain aspects of it reminded me of my own situation. Of course, I am in no way in nearly as much pain as Frida Kahlo was, but it still stirred up my emotions. So I have decided to like this movie. It is seldom nowadays that a film touches me and I cherish the few that manage to do so.

Now I am restless. Ants in my pants doesn't even begin to describe the feeling I have in my body. Every inch of me is longing to move, every muscle yearns to contract. This - writing - is the only way for me to sit still without starting to chew on my knuckles or nervously rub my hands. Maybe food will help a little. It will be something to do and at least my jaws will be occupied for a while. Besides it is time for dinner.

I need to get the music from the movie. It was absolutely wonderful.

Yes, I managed to stay awake throughout the entire show, slept for 2,5 hours and then off to campus. A couple of hours of rest in the afternoon before heading out for a quick shopping-session, followed by boxing-class. When I came home I was served a beer and ordered to come out to the party as soon as I'd showered and eaten. So I did and had a wonderful night, just hanging out listening to live music in the tv-room.

Today was hard, though. Seemed like an impossible task to get out of bed when the alarm went off after 6 hours of sleep. Somehow I still managed to do so, eat breakfast and get ready on time. Was hard to stay awake during the first hour of the lecture, so I took a RedBull when we had a brake and to my surprise it actually helped.

Tonight we're going to see "Frida". Hoping I'll like it, but am trying not to get my hopes up too much. Planning on going to "The Dictator" (Chaplin) sometime soon as well. Maybe I should catch "Far from Heaven"? "The Hours" premieres here on Friday. Will se "The Pianist" whether it goes on here or not (in which case I guess we'll be forced to download it).

While we're on the subject (well, sort of) - would just like to say that the award for best acceptance-speech goes to Adrien Brody, hands down. But I did appreciate Michael Moore's initiative as well.

Oscar night. I don't quite know if I should watch or if I should be politically correct and boycott the whole thing. It is sort of a tradition - staying up all night once a year, adoring the dresses and laughing at the bad jokes. Getting inspiration for what to go see at the movie-theatres this year and rooting for the once I've seen already. I've seen only a few this year, and only one or two of the "really big ones". Looking forward to "The Pianist", which from what I've seen seems quite interesting, as well as "Talk to Her", a film that I've been meaning to see for some time now.

Tomorrow we'll know who won and whether I managed to stay up during the entire show, until seven in the morning. Luckily we've only got lectures until lunch. Introduction to the new course. I predict that I will spend most of the afternoon in bed. Now Casablanca is on. Thought I'd watch it as it is a classic that one "should" have seen at least once.

Just came back from an afternoon of demonstrations (against the war and against racism) followed by stuffing ourselves with far too much sugar at a coffee-shop downtown. The weather is absolutely marvellous - sunshine and hardly any wind at all. Walked without my jacket on most of the way.

Last night Denmark joined the war. Terrible, just terrible.

Now, time for spring-cleaning! Incredible how just a few square-meters can suddenly feel like a huge mansion. It's a shame, really. Should be joining the others outside, playing football (soccer, that is). But a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do. Not that I feel like a "woman". I'm still more of a "girl", I guess.

Spring is here again....how I've missed it. Except for a slight headache and the fact that I have a final coming up in a few days everything actually seems to be going fine. Had a few "disagreements" but since I talked to two of my friends and got to ventilate my views properly I actually feel better. Maybe I can let it go now. Yes, he lied and yes, it would have helped if he'd just have told me straight away so I could have made my own desicion on wether to continue what we had going or not, but it is too late now. Nothing more to do. Just let go!

Was planning on going to England over Easter but since my friend there is coming home for a couple of weeks pretty soon anyway I've decided to wait until he moves to London. Annoying because I really wanted to go, but this way is much better in so many other ways. It's more practical. So now I just have his return to look forward to. I am, though. Haven't seen him for almost 5 months now and even when you're writing up to two emails a day it's just not the same.

Watched President Bush's adress last night. We'd been watching "Rose Red", which was a little longer than we expected and so I ended up still being awake at 2am. Seems the war is upon us. Not that I'm surprised. Bush & co have seemed pretty determined to get this war with or without the approval of the UN (or the rest of the world for that matter). I'm just sad. I wish for a short and bloodless war, but realise that it's naive even to hope for it. Guess I want to be naive.

Now breakfast - maybe that will cure my head. And then time to study, study, study. All these names and characteristics and bodily functions. Will I ever learn?

Hangover. Woke up at 11:11, still drunk. This will probably not be one of my most "inspired" entries as I have a hard time concentrating with all these mice clogdancing in my head and intestins striving to become "out-testins". Had pizza and a serious talk with Mike. He can't understand why I got angry because he lied to me. Yes, I am clearly very irrational. Disappointed. Should I write an email or two before we start the movie? Or perhaps update my journal? Will probably end up sitting here, in front of my computer, listening to music and doing absolutely nothing productive.

Listening to music (Prodigy, Chemical Brothers and Ladytron) and trying to wind down after 2,5 hours of physical activities. First an hour or so of volleyball, followed by basketball and finally some working out on my own. I needed this. Didn't quite reach the usual endorphin-high but this will do just fine. My knee has been acting up in a whole new way today. Makes me worry a little.

Time to get dinner ready. Should I work on getting rid of the last of the chicken or will it be vegetarian today? Maybe fish? I think I have some fish still. Oh, the choices I have to make! What a dilemma!

So today I'm feeling really out of it. Can't sit still, just want to run around, kick somebody or bite something really hard. Not very healthy behaviour, I suppose. At least that's what one of my friends though and suggested I start seeing a therapist. As I know that therapy would only be for the purpose of fulfilling my need for attention I decided to start this little thing instead. It's cheaper and has the potential of reaching so many more people. I'll probably lose interest in a while, but for now it seems like a new, interesting and exciting project.

So, am I a "chameleon on Prozac"? No, not really. Or, not at all. I am a member of the species Homo sapiens and I do not take any drugs. Well, that is not completely true. Once in a while I'll take an aspirin if I've got a bad headache and I do drink alcohol on occasion. I have been known to ingest meat and drink such toxic liquids as Coca-Cola or Pepsi, which as we all know contain caffeine. I drink tea and eat chocolate and other "unhealthy foods". But I do not take any prescription-drugs, least of all Prozac. So the title that I've chosen for this blog is not very accurate, but I suppose that's not really the point anyway.

However, I'll jokedly say that "when I grow up..." I want to be a schizophrenic, manic depressive chameleon. Don't know where I got it from - just one of those things you come up with after too little sleep, when your body is pumped with adrenaline because your "ex-lover" has been sleeping with one of your friends and all you want to do is run around in circles until you can't run any more. Yes, it may seem chaotic at times, but life is perfectly organised to drive me as far away from sanity as possible. Just when you think you can handle it and everything is going okay lightning strikes and your world is turned upside down. What used to be so clear is now utterly incomprehensible.

What really annoys me is that just yesterday I was feeling perfectly fine. Although it was raining outside, in my mind the sun was shining and harmony and peace ruled the landscape that is my soul. Why must I be so easliy affected by circumstances?